How I got into this match data rabbit hole
So I kicked things off by downloading the official Premier League app on my phone while eating breakfast – toast crumbs all over the screen, classic. Wanted raw numbers, not some pundit’s hot takes. Tapped through like 15 menus just to find that “detailed stats” tab everyone hides for no good reason.
The messy data cleanup struggle
Imported all player stats into my laptop and whoa, what a garbage fire! Found 3 different spellings of Højbjerg – without the slash, with slash, and one that just said “Hoeberg”. Sorted that mess manually while drinking terrible instant coffee. Couldn’t trust key passes numbers either – the definitions kept jumping around between platforms.
My player rating formula went like this:
- Weighted goals way heavier than clearances
- Gave extra credit for actions after 80th minute
- Docked points for stupid yellows
- Totally ignored social media hype
Took me 2 hours just to normalize all these numbers across positions. Defenders getting punished for not scoring goals felt wrong. Had to rejig the math like 4 times before it stopped spitting out nonsense.
When spreadsheet fights back
My Excel froze right after calculating pass completion rates. That cursed rainbow circle spinning for 10 minutes! Lost all Andre Ayew’s defensive contributions and nearly threw the laptop. Learned the hard way – save after every damn column. Re-did everything screaming at the screen like a madman.
The final list that sparked arguments
Here’s who came out on top after wrestling that data beast:
- Sonny with 10 shots made my computer fan whirr
- That Palace keeper triple save actually showed in metrics
- Bentancur passed constantly like human metronome
- Zaha drew fouls numbers went crazy high
- Kane… well he’s Kane, formulas love him
Posted the analysis to my footie group chat. Total war immediately – Mike insists Guehi should’ve been top, but my numbers buried him deep in 11th place. Nearly got kicked from the WhatsApp over Eze vs Gallagher debate.
Why I bother with this crap
Truth? Got into stats after tearing my ACL playing Sunday league five years back. Doctor said no more football ever. Started obsessing over data to feel connected to the game. First spreadsheets were garbage – mixed up xG with Xbox Gamerscore once! But the numbers don’t lie, unlike my ex physio who said I’d walk normally again.